"It Depends": From Frustration to Empowerment
"It depends."
Those might be the two least favorite words for anyone seeking guidance, advice, or a little bit of reassurance. As a therapist, I’ll admit: I use them often.
In the heat of the moment, most people don’t want a nuance-filled "maybe." They want a roadmap. They want to know if what they’re feeling is "normal," if others would agree with their choices, or simply a clear directive because they are feeling well and truly lost.
The hard truth? There is rarely a straight answer to a complicated life. To find the "right" path, we have to peel back the layers:
What is the actual problem we’re trying to solve?
What specific outcome are we chasing?
What unique toolkit—skills, opportunities, and support—do you already have in your hands?
Moving from the Couch to the World
We aren’t just facing these questions in the privacy of a therapy session; we are facing them as a society. Lately, I’ve been sitting with clients—and grappling with myself—on heavy questions of advocacy and safety: How do we protect people in the U.S., both citizens and non-citizens? How do we live our values when the world feels like it’s shifting under our feet?
Again, the answer is: It depends.
There is no "one size fits all" manual for being a good human or a helpful citizen. But rather than letting that ambiguity paralyze us, we use it as an invitation to get curious.
Turning Curiosity into Power
When we acknowledge that "it depends," we stop looking for a magic wand and start looking for levers we can actually pull. We start by acknowledging the elephant in the room: the feeling of powerlessness.
Once we name that feeling, we can begin to inventory the power we do have. It usually falls into four buckets:
The Power of Resource: Do you have financial flexibility to support causes?
The Power of Skill: Can you organize, write, cook, or provide legal aid?
The Power of Time: Do you have the time to show up, listen, or march?
The Power of Connection: Who is in your circle that needs to hear your voice?
Some people show up at protests, some have difficult conversations with loved ones, some donate money to causes, some babysit, some do pro-bono legal work, some provide food for those suffering. There is no one right way to support a cause. There is not one way to find power and agency when feeling powerless.
Curiosity is the bridge between feeling powerless and taking action. By asking "What does it depend on for me?", we move from "I don't know what to do" to "Here is the one thing I can do today."
As a therapist, my goal isn't to provide the "right" answer, but to help you build the capacity to find it. We work through the hard questions to identify where your power is hiding and to build the emotional muscle required to use it. Ultimately, I want my clients to walk away knowing they can be trusted with their own lives.
The truth is, I can’t tell you what to do. I am not the one walking in your shoes, navigating the specific nuances of your family dynamics, or managing the pressures of your workplace. You are the only expert on your lived experience. My job is to hold the flashlight while you find the path that aligns with your values.
