The First Domino: Reclaiming My Multisport Identity After an In-Water Panic Attack
Eleven years ago I had to be rescued during the swim of a sprint triathlon.
This was strange for so many reasons. I LOVE the water. I am a strong swimmer. And as an Ironman athlete, it was “only” a 500-meter swim on a course I knew well. I wasn't even aware I was having a panic attack at the time—and to be honest, I'm still not 100% sure that’s what it was—but I have no other explanation. That moment was the first domino to fall in a long physical and performance decline that ultimately led to me walking away from the sport entirely.
But the past three weeks have been about reclaiming my multisport identity.
Recently, I did an open water swim race in a lake and raced in an aqua bike event. I’ll be honest, when I donned the cap and goggles, I was nervous. Even though I’d finished two Ironman swims in the year after that panic attack, and have spent countless hours lap swimming and scuba diving since, my thoughts were still filled with self-doubt.
My journey from panic attack to quitting, and now back to swimming and biking, has been filled with massive ups and downs. (For the deep dive, you can check out my appearance on the Hit Play Not Pause podcast).
To oversimplify a decade of my journey:
The loss:
I overtrained and underfueled (never a good combo!).
I got so worn down I couldn't run or bike what I used to consider "short" distances.
I quit triathlon and lost my community.
The return:
I took up photography and made new friends.
I focused on nutrition and strength training.
I got into gravel cycling and rode several 100-mile races.
I got a coach and finally returned to open water swimming.
All of this happened while navigating my mid-40s to mid-50s. I hit menopause, losing all the hormonal support and predictability my body used to give me. I got laid off and I started my own business helping many clients. Fast forward to today, I did my first multisport event in several years! It was an aqua bike, not a triathlon—I no longer run because my body still cannot tolerate it (and to be honest, I no longer like it anyway).
View from a therapist’s chair:
I am not only an athlete. I am also a therapist who has had the honor of working with many clients. Through my years of practice and training I have learned to listen for the story under the words the person says. Let’s take a deep dive and explore the themes in my story.
Theme 1: I did not listen to my body.
I trusted the common belief that losing weight will make me faster. As endurance athletes we are often told that thinner is better. Underfueling and overtraining MAY provide some short term gains. I did get faster for a brief period of time. But long term overtraining and underfueling hurts an athlete physically and emotionally, it can lead to cognitive decline, as noted in this 2023 article. The cognitive decline includes issues with problem solving, thinking, reasoning, remembering, decision making and attention. As a double whammy for me, these can also be experienced in perimenopause. Another 2023 article studying Olympic athletes found increased depression and anxiety in athletes who are underfueled (FYI: increase in mood disturbances is also seen in perimenopause).
As my story shows, for me anxiety ultimately led to an in-water panic attack. I am sure I had other signs that I ignored. I remember not feeling well. I remember thinking something was wrong, but I did not trust myself. As women, we have often been taught to not trust our bodies.
Lesson learned: Trust Your Body. If something feels wrong, something is wrong. Check in with what you are experiencing physically, emotionally, cognitively. Understand what may be causing this experience.
Theme 2: I trusted without verifying.
Historically, endurance sports were filled with beliefs that thin is fast. We were told to always grind. I still hear similar stories. The old myths still endure. We are challenged because we believe those who claim to be experts without actual expertise. We believe the social media personalities and other athletes and coaches in our lives. It is often difficult for us to access the research and advice from actual experts. The actual expertise gets buried in academic journals or expensive conferences.
Lesson learned: Surround Yourself With People Smarter Than You. Seek an outsider who has expertise and check to ensure they actually have the knowledge you need. If you are getting a coach, find out how they have been trained, ask how they keep up to date with the most recent research on endurance athletes of your gender. Seek somebody with actual credentials, an RD (registered dietician) has much more training than a nutritionist or a nutrition coach. I personally think every endurance athlete should have a registered dietician on speed dial. If you are seeking mental health support find a licensed mental health professional, not just somebody who labels themself as a coach. Your physical and mental health deserve expertise.
Theme 3: My identity was over simplified.
I was a triathlete. Yes, I worked as a social worker, yes, I enjoy scuba diving, but I WAS a triathlete. Almost every decision was linked to how to pay for races and how to train for races. I spent several hours a week with my triathlete teammates. Six days a week we would be swimming, biking or running together.
Lesson Learned: Diversify Your Life. Being all in on one hobby can have some benefits, but what happens when you lose that activity? In addition to overtraining, having no other recreational activities can lead to social isolation when you are injured or sick. Explore other options, something non-athletic may be a good option. Do you want to be more creative, maybe take up photography, music or painting. You want to be more in touch with the earth, maybe take up gardening. Do you have a passion for a cause, check out volunteering activities. Or, if you need the sports itch scratched try something completely different: pickleball anybody? Tai-chi? Surfing?
Theme 4: I took time to heal.
It took me many years to get back to multisport. It did not come in one big chunk. Instead month after month small gains were made which led to where I am now. It started by getting back in the water soon after the panic attack.
Lesson Leaned: Remember every journey starts with one step. By learning to trust myself, surrounding myself with people smarter than me, by diversifying my life I was able to slowly but steadily make progress. Some days were better than others. The progress has not been linear, I have had to redefine success, I had to have a deep look at myself, at what can I realistically do now and what do I truly want. I have also had to grieve what I have lost and celebrate what I have gained. It is through this journey that progress is made.
Reclaiming the Finish Line
I know I cannot be successful at anything alone. And I know sitting on my couch is not what I want for my life. So even if the step is small, I am taking that first step.
Standing on the lake shore three weeks ago for my 1st open water swim donning my cap and goggles, I wasn't the exact same athlete I was eleven years ago. I am older, wiser, and my body operates on an entirely different hormonal blueprint. Today I crossed that aqua bike finish line on my own terms.
If you are currently staring at a life that feels shrunk by injury, burnout, aging, or anxiety, know this: you do not have to return to who you used to be to move forward. You just have to be willing to take the next small step. And if that step feels a little too heavy to take by yourself? Reach out to a professional who can help you navigate the course. My door is always open.
